I sleep restlessly that night. After Arren left me alone, I simply sat staring into the fire, thinking. I thought about Tauria, and I thought about what was happening at the Academia and what I was doing. In general, and right now. What was I doing? I went off, to help my friend, and I turned back, because I felt like... no, I know, there is something bad happening back at home and I need to go help. And now I don't know what I'm doing turning back, because helping Tauria should be my number one thing. Let someone else take care of what seems a huge mess back at the Academia. I'm the only one helping her, and if I don't, then no one will. Someone will always take care of huge messes. And at the same time I don't know why I left the Academia. Something was obviously happening. I should've known, I should've seen. I never should've left, because now I'm in the middle of nowhere, not able to help anyone. I am a fool. There is no point in going to hunt a cure out north for a friend, if there is no friend waiting anymore when I get back. I stare into the fire, not able to make proper sense of anything anymore, until I realise it's no more a fire but only coals glowing their heat bright red and orange into the cooling night.
I sleep restlessly that night, because these thoughts won't leave me alone, because they push their way into my subconscious and my dreams. I keep waking up all night, because I'm having nightmares about Arren, and about bad things happening at the Academia, to my friends, to everyone at the school. And it's all because I didn't stop it. Because I wasn't there. And because I'm not there, even in the dream, there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to help when the whole world is collapsing on itself. All I can do is watch, because I don't really exist.
It's still early in the morning when I wake up, exhausted, but too tired of the continuous waking and rolling and twisting to try to sleep any more. So even though I know I need sleep, I need sleep almost more than I've ever needed it, with the last couple of days and nights having been what they were, I get up and stretch. Everywhere hurts. But I pull myself together, and ignore the pain. I can't be hurting, and I can't be tired. I need to move.
I begin walking again, eating what little I have left of my food. I make a mental note that I need to find some more food somewhere. Preferably well before it's too long in the afternoon again. Once I'm done eating I begin speeding up again, until I'm moving faster than any human would be able to alone.
~x~
It's past noon when I see a caravan up on the side of the road. I've been doing slow progress today, or at least slower than yesterday, because there have been more people on the road. And, unsurprisingly, every time I get too close to other people I have to slow down, and walk, and wait for them to pass, so I don't give away my magic. The running is too obviously a magical thing for anyone to not realise it as such.
I'm even more exhausted than I was in the morning and I'm starving already, since it's hours since my tiny breakfast, so I slow, and head to the caravan to see if I could get some help and food there. Lucky for me, it's an awfully nice group of a few families. They tell me they've been staying here since yesterday, and are planning to stay another night, so they have proper time to tend to the carriages and other equipment they have. They also give me some left over stew from their lunch an hour back. I try to pay them, but they wave my money away. I almost begin to cry, because they are so kind to me, and because I am so tired. Somehow I manage to hold myself together and chat with Ria, the teenage girl from one of the families.
"I want to be a fortune teller," she tells me as I stuff a full spoon of stew into my mouth. I swallow.
"Ok," I say, "Why?"
"Because it's exciting to know the future," Ria explains, shuffling a deck of cards, "And the future of other people. And I want to help them. If they know something about their future, they will be able to turn their lives into what they want it to be."
"What if some people don't want to know their futures?" I ask between the bites.
"But people do," she says, "I know it might be scary, but it can help. Here. I'll tell your fortune."
"Oh, no. No, thank you," I say and try to wave her away. I am one of those people who do not want to know their future. Definitely not. I'm nervous enough about what is happening at the Academy without actually seeing the future. I already know it can't be good. I've seen it in a dream. And even though the dream might not have been too specific or clear and I don't remember any of it, I'm sure that was enough fortune telling for me. I try to resist a little longer, but eventually I give up.
"Fine. Just a small one," I say, "Some very, very simple telling. Ok?"
Ria's face turns into a huge smile. She spreads the deck in her hand, face down.
"Ok," she says, "You have to pick two cards."
"Two cards?" I ask and begin moving my hand along the cards, trying to decide which two to take. She nods. I draw one card and set it on the bench next to me while selecting another one. Then I take both of them and hand them to Ria. She turns them over.
"Uh," she says when she sees the cards. That's what I thought. I don't want to hear this. She stares at the cards for a while, then puts them down on the bench so I can see them too. The Magician and The Fool.
"Ok, I want you to know that I'm not very good yet," Ria says and I nod, "But I think this is good news. This means you're going to do something great, break free from what ever is holding you back and create a new reality. For yourself, and for other people."
I look at her, stunned for a moment. Could it be? Could I truly do that? Could I truly break free from the fear of people find out I have magic, could I change the world so that I wouldn't have to be afraid anymore. Create a new reality where people with magic are accepted the way they are. But why me? The thought strikes the moment I get over the first shock of ridiculous hope. Why in the world would I have anything to do with making magic legal again, to making this world a better place? The cards seem to say so, but there is nothing special about me. Other than the magic. But among sorcerers... I've never thought I was special, but now that I think about it, I don't know. How would I? There is no way for me to know what is normal for a sorcerer and what isn't. There is no way for me to know if I'm actually special. Arren seemed to think so, first poisoning my best friend and then coming to me for help. But then again, I don't know I'm the only one he approached.
"You said you think it's good news," I say to Ria, "Is there some other interpretation for these cards?"
"Well," she hesitates, like she doesn't want to tell me, "It's possible that The Magician represents someone else," she takes a breath before continuing, "It's possible that this means you're slowly falling for someone's lies, forget about yourself, and maybe about your friends. Of course not forgetting they exist," she seems a little awkward now. I suppose she isn't used to giving bad readings, "But they will become less important to you, and maybe you start to neglect them."
She's being careful with her wording, I can tell. She's hesitating telling me bad news, and maybe softening it up a little bit. I can't know if she's telling me everything. I don't really want to know. The other person is clearly Arren, the things he said to me last night. The thought of what he said, the idea of some time agreeing with him, makes me cold and my stomach turn unpleasantly. I stare into my bowl. What if the second interpretation is the correct one? What if Ria only thinks the happier one is the right one, because that's the one she wants to be the right one? What if she simply sucks as a fortune teller? I don't know her. For all I know neither of the interpretations from the cards are anywhere close to truth. That settles my mind a bit, but the cold feeling still remains.
"...do great things," I hear Ria say and I snap out of my thoughts.
"Hmm? Sorry, I got lost in my thoughts," I say and shake my head a little.
"I just said that even though there is another way of reading the cards I really do believe I'm right. And that you'll do great things. Or at least something great. Even if it was little great," she smiles to me. I nod and try to make myself believe that too. To be honest, it's hard to believe either one.
I should continue after eating, I know I should, the only thing I'm doing here is wasting precious time, but I feel obligated to help out at the caravan a little bit at first. They did give me food, also to take some with me. So I help out with the maintenance for a while. After I'm so tired I have to sit down for a moment, and then I tell myself I'll continue on my way. But even though I have dark thoughts circling in my head and a bad feeling about what is happening back at the Academy, and the pressure of a great urgency and hurry all around me, I'm somehow so tired, so exhausted I fall into a deep sleep at the back of a wagon.
_________________________________________________________
I know this is late. Well, late is a relative term, I guess, since I'm still clearly on the right day. It took me all day to start writing, because my head is still in a kind of a moving zone, so every time I decided to think about this and plan and start writing my mind wandered off to something completely different, like wondering about whether I want to buy myself a few of those tall bar chairs, not only because it would be cool to have tall chairs but also so that maybe I could have a table tall enough that it wouldn't suck to use a computer on it standing. Or that I should put the curtains up. Or oh, look at that, I still have the kitchen boxes packed. Or where's that hammer so I can put that clock on the wall. Or I wonder where I put the battery from my fire alarm, because right now it doesn't have one, because I haven't found it yet. So that can't be good.
Anyway, I did get it written.
I guess it doesn't take the story forwards very much, like it probably should, because we only have what, 12 parts left? But my mind has been very busy concentrating on other things. So I apologise. I actually didn't even remember before some time in the afternoon that it is a Monday today and that I should be writing.
Anyway.
Your topic for Wednesday is Bugs.
~matu
PS. For some reason my laptop or my new internet connection doesn't let me into Google. I can use gmail, and blogger, and youtube, but it won't load Google searches or Maps. Which is super weird. And I don't know how I'm going to make it through life without being able to use Google. Because how in the world do you find anything in the internet without a search engine?
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